I stared down at the cement,
focusing on the crunching of the fallen leaves in my path. Though it was
January, it was another sunny day in Florida; it’s called the sunshine state
for a good reason. Yet, there had been everything but sunshine in my soul that
week . . . or had it been a month?
“How
are you doing today, Sister?” Sister Kreiberg’s blue eyes were completely
focused on me. I turned away to hide my own blue eyes as they began to fill with
tears. I blinked to clear my vision and nuzzled my chin into my pea coat. How can it be so sunny and bright, yet so
chilly? I thought to myself, Florida
isn’t supposed to get chilly.
“I
think it’s pretty much the same as it has been,” I answered honestly. I kept
walking but didn’t seem to have an end in mind. Where were we going again? I glanced up, and in that second a
vibrant blue house stood amongst a long line of cookie-cutter homes. Normally,
this would have brightened my morning, but colors seemed to have drained from
my world. I kept placing one foot in front of the other although it was more
painful each time.
I felt a gentle touch that brought
me back to reality and reminded me that at least I wasn’t physically alone. As
I peeked at her hand resting on my arm, I realized that she was right beside me
where she had always been, even those moments I didn’t always feel her. She
removed her hand and pulled her soft blonde hair into a bun. Only a few weeks
before, I had simply known her as the beautiful foreign sister; now she was my
companion. She was more than just a companion though, so much more. She was my
healer, my comforter, my realist, my confidant, and one of my closest and
dearest friends.
“Let
me know if I can do anything to help.” I knew I wasn’t putting her in the most comfortable
situation, but still I tried to show her my gratitude with my eyes. I couldn’t
portray any sincere emotion with my face.
Sister Kreiberg stopped and turned
as to show me we had arrived at our destination. I followed and prepared myself.
You’re doing what you love. Put on a
smile, even if you don’t want to right now. He needs to see the joy the gospel
brings.
I
knew the Gospel brought me so much happiness. It was one of the very reasons I
had decided to serve. Now as one of the leaders in the mission and much more
than half way through, I couldn’t understand why I suddenly didn’t feel it. Why
I couldn't feel anything. My favorite things in life include smiling, laughing,
and missionary work, which were why I loved my mission so much! Which was why I
was a good missionary. I was a happy person! What was wrong with me? Who was I
now?
“Our
Heavenly Father loves each of us so much. He created this Plan in order for us
to grow and learn through the joys and difficulties of mortality” I felt as
though my companion was talking more to me than to our new friend whom we were
teaching. It was now my turn to testify.
“I
know that this is true. I know that God created this Plan of Happiness for us
each to progress, to become like Him, and eventually to return to live with
Him. We can promise you, as you listen and act upon this message we share, more
joy will come to you than you’ve ever experienced before.” I had meant what I
said, and I even put a smile on to try to convince him my statement was true.
Following our lesson, we began our journey back to the car, and I couldn’t help
but feel hypocritical. I had testified of obtaining pure joy. Yet, that may
have been the first time I had smiled since the last lesson we had taught.
Week
after week my world was emotionless and cold. My life suddenly felt like one of
those old television shows. Instead of the joyous moments that were shown by a
cheerful and bright filter, my life had become the grey filter used to stress the
sad and dreary parts. How long would this
last? I stared at myself in the rearview mirror, pleading with my
reflection, Please, just try to smile . .
. even for a moment. I forced
my muscles to draw upward. It was amazing, no one could tell the difference,
which says something about my acting I suppose. They were all completely
unaware that I felt totally alone. Mentally, I had fallen into the deepest of holes, and all
around me there was only darkness. There seemed to be no escape. I only confided
in my companion, my Mission President, and Father in Heaven.
“President
Berry, I’m trying to learn from this trial. How can I overcome something that
seems to completely wear on my soul? Everything seems so dark. I can’t describe
it any other way. I’m trying to fight all the negativity that enters my mind
but the doubts are so strong and controlling. Destructive whispers are so
convincing that there are no longer those that love me. I know this is not true. I know
that I’m loved by Sister Kreiberg,
my family, my Savior, my God, and by you, President. I’m trying to rely on the
Savior to bear this burden, but I’ve never had to deal with a trial so mentally
challenging and exhausting. I’ve been so blessed; I’ve never had to deal with
depression before. How can I turn it over to the Lord?”
“My
dear, Sister Sillivan, know that our Heavenly Father is mindful of you. He
loves you immensely and seeks to give you the comfort you desire. The Redeemer
of us all is there to redeem you. Remember, the Atonement is for the smallest
of sins as well as for the greatest tests; utilize it. Please keep me informed
on how you are. If it continues to decline, let’s meet in person. With love,
President Berry”
As
I read his reply, I imagined him sitting in his black pinstriped suit at his
desk, as he likely had done while writing it. I heard his shaky voice as if he
were standing before me in person, and I knew that he was deeply concerned for
me. Every week I reported back to President on how I was doing. I lived for his
responses each Monday. I needed his confirmation and his counsel. He was my
father away from home. He somehow knew my heart and knew exactly what I always
needed to hear. I often think back and know that, I served in Florida to
specifically be under his direction.
“Sister, I want you to know how much
you mean to me. You’re amazing!
Jeg elsker dig.” The note was laid on my desk with a small Danish figurine beside it. I didn’t know Danish, but I knew this phrase.
Jeg elsker dig.” The note was laid on my desk with a small Danish figurine beside it. I didn’t know Danish, but I knew this phrase.
“Thank you so much, Sister. I love
you too.”
Sister Kreiberg was everything I
needed as I endured this trial. She was one of the many ways God reminded me He
was aware of me and knew my needs. Her gentle reminders of her love, compassion,
and affirmation strengthened me and gave me a desire to continue each day.
I couldn’t describe what I was
feeling, but that wasn’t always necessary. My Heavenly Father and my Savior understood
completely. Every free moment I had was in constant communication through
prayer. I valued every second. Seeking to find answers, relief, and freedom. I
learned how extremely merciful God is, and I recognized loved ones who walked
beside me, even the very Son of God. I began to notice that every day I turned
to Them, I felt something.
The
days began to be warmer, and with that warmth also came light to my soul. I
began to see colors. Once again, Florida sunsets, took my breath away. I actually
noticed the buds on the trees, which would soon turn into my favorite Magnolia
blossoms. What seemed to be an eternity had only been nine weeks. There was finally
light in this dark crater of my mind. It was hope.
“Sister, how are you doing today?”
“Better.” I smiled . . . almost
automatically.
