A Crater of the Mind

I stared down at the cement, focusing on the crunching of the fallen leaves in my path. Though it was January, it was another sunny day in Florida; it’s called the sunshine state for a good reason. Yet, there had been everything but sunshine in my soul that week . . . or had it been a month?

            “How are you doing today, Sister?” Sister Kreiberg’s blue eyes were completely focused on me. I turned away to hide my own blue eyes as they began to fill with tears. I blinked to clear my vision and nuzzled my chin into my pea coat. How can it be so sunny and bright, yet so chilly? I thought to myself, Florida isn’t supposed to get chilly.

            “I think it’s pretty much the same as it has been,” I answered honestly. I kept walking but didn’t seem to have an end in mind. Where were we going again? I glanced up, and in that second a vibrant blue house stood amongst a long line of cookie-cutter homes. Normally, this would have brightened my morning, but colors seemed to have drained from my world. I kept placing one foot in front of the other although it was more painful each time.

I felt a gentle touch that brought me back to reality and reminded me that at least I wasn’t physically alone. As I peeked at her hand resting on my arm, I realized that she was right beside me where she had always been, even those moments I didn’t always feel her. She removed her hand and pulled her soft blonde hair into a bun. Only a few weeks before, I had simply known her as the beautiful foreign sister; now she was my companion. She was more than just a companion though, so much more. She was my healer, my comforter, my realist, my confidant, and one of my closest and dearest friends.

            “Let me know if I can do anything to help.”  I knew I wasn’t putting her in the most comfortable situation, but still I tried to show her my gratitude with my eyes. I couldn’t portray any sincere emotion with my face.

Sister Kreiberg stopped and turned as to show me we had arrived at our destination. I followed and prepared myself. You’re doing what you love. Put on a smile, even if you don’t want to right now. He needs to see the joy the gospel brings.

            I knew the Gospel brought me so much happiness. It was one of the very reasons I had decided to serve. Now as one of the leaders in the mission and much more than half way through, I couldn’t understand why I suddenly didn’t feel it. Why I couldn't feel anything. My favorite things in life include smiling, laughing, and missionary work, which were why I loved my mission so much! Which was why I was a good missionary. I was a happy person! What was wrong with me? Who was I now?

            “Our Heavenly Father loves each of us so much. He created this Plan in order for us to grow and learn through the joys and difficulties of mortality” I felt as though my companion was talking more to me than to our new friend whom we were teaching. It was now my turn to testify.

            “I know that this is true. I know that God created this Plan of Happiness for us each to progress, to become like Him, and eventually to return to live with Him. We can promise you, as you listen and act upon this message we share, more joy will come to you than you’ve ever experienced before.” I had meant what I said, and I even put a smile on to try to convince him my statement was true. Following our lesson, we began our journey back to the car, and I couldn’t help but feel hypocritical. I had testified of obtaining pure joy. Yet, that may have been the first time I had smiled since the last lesson we had taught.

            Week after week my world was emotionless and cold. My life suddenly felt like one of those old television shows. Instead of the joyous moments that were shown by a cheerful and bright filter, my life had become the grey filter used to stress the sad and dreary parts. How long would this last? I stared at myself in the rearview mirror, pleading with my reflection, Please, just try to smile . . . even for a moment.  I forced my muscles to draw upward. It was amazing, no one could tell the difference, which says something about my acting I suppose. They were all completely unaware that I felt totally alone.  Mentally, I had fallen into the deepest of holes, and all around me there was only darkness. There seemed to be no escape. I only confided in my companion, my Mission President, and Father in Heaven.

            “President Berry, I’m trying to learn from this trial. How can I overcome something that seems to completely wear on my soul? Everything seems so dark. I can’t describe it any other way. I’m trying to fight all the negativity that enters my mind but the doubts are so strong and controlling. Destructive whispers are so convincing that there are no longer those that love me. I know this is not true. I know that I’m loved by Sister Kreiberg, my family, my Savior, my God, and by you, President. I’m trying to rely on the Savior to bear this burden, but I’ve never had to deal with a trial so mentally challenging and exhausting. I’ve been so blessed; I’ve never had to deal with depression before. How can I turn it over to the Lord?”

            “My dear, Sister Sillivan, know that our Heavenly Father is mindful of you. He loves you immensely and seeks to give you the comfort you desire. The Redeemer of us all is there to redeem you. Remember, the Atonement is for the smallest of sins as well as for the greatest tests; utilize it. Please keep me informed on how you are. If it continues to decline, let’s meet in person. With love, President Berry”

            As I read his reply, I imagined him sitting in his black pinstriped suit at his desk, as he likely had done while writing it. I heard his shaky voice as if he were standing before me in person, and I knew that he was deeply concerned for me. Every week I reported back to President on how I was doing. I lived for his responses each Monday. I needed his confirmation and his counsel. He was my father away from home. He somehow knew my heart and knew exactly what I always needed to hear. I often think back and know that, I served in Florida to specifically be under his direction.

“Sister, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You’re amazing!
Jeg elsker dig.” The note was laid on my desk with a small Danish figurine beside it. I didn’t know Danish, but I knew this phrase.

“Thank you so much, Sister. I love you too.”

Sister Kreiberg was everything I needed as I endured this trial. She was one of the many ways God reminded me He was aware of me and knew my needs. Her gentle reminders of her love, compassion, and affirmation strengthened me and gave me a desire to continue each day.

I couldn’t describe what I was feeling, but that wasn’t always necessary. My Heavenly Father and my Savior understood completely. Every free moment I had was in constant communication through prayer. I valued every second. Seeking to find answers, relief, and freedom. I learned how extremely merciful God is, and I recognized loved ones who walked beside me, even the very Son of God. I began to notice that every day I turned to Them, I felt something.

            The days began to be warmer, and with that warmth also came light to my soul. I began to see colors. Once again, Florida sunsets, took my breath away. I actually noticed the buds on the trees, which would soon turn into my favorite Magnolia blossoms. What seemed to be an eternity had only been nine weeks. There was finally light in this dark crater of my mind. It was hope.

“Sister, how are you doing today?”

“Better.” I smiled . . . almost automatically.

the one all about my mission

Here is my complete account of the thoughts, feelings, revelations, and experiences leading up to what will soon become the most amazing and rewarding experience of my life, my mission. Prepare yourselves for what could, and most likely, will be a very long story (grab a snack if needed). If this bores you, I apologize now. Well I take that back. This narration isn't for your entertainment, but more so that I have it all recorded in one place with all of my thoughts and feelings up to this moment. But if you do enjoy it, great!

Once upon a time (just because all stories start like that), I was fourteen and really wanting my Patriarchal Blessing. For those who are not of my faith reading, you can learn what a Patriarchal Blessing is here and here. But since I know most of you won't (even though you definitely should, it's great!) I'll just say, "Patriarchal blessings include a declaration of a person's lineage in the house of Israel and contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection." I had been wanting mine for a couple years now, and while the average age of receiving one around, oh probably 16, I felt I was ready for mine. So in January in 2008 I finally met with the Stake Patriarch to receive it.  It was an incredible unexplainable experience, but surprisingly, it mentioned (mentions) my mission. At this time I had never once wanted to serve a mission. I knew it was a worthy cause, and utterly supported and encouraged the young men to serve one, and I hoped my future husband would be a return missionary (although less crucial now, for every member a missionary, right??).  Nevertheless, I had never wanted to, and my family and friends knew that, for I voiced voice my opinion often (it's a work in progress). My friends and family playfully teased me about serving one, although they knew it was not something I wanted. Over the years I remarked that it simply meant I'll serve one with my husband when we're old and retired and all that good stuff (which I still want to do someday!). But in the back of my mind, I knew (or maybe rather, felt) that a mission was somewhere in my future. I can't express how much I really did not want to go on one though. Sister missionaries had to be 21 to serve a full-time mission. As a Mormon girl (or just plain female maybe) I was hoping to be, oh I don't know, madly in love by then. But I also knew I would be in my senior year of college at this age and it would be hard, not to mention a very inconvenient time to pause my life and leave it all for a year and a half. So at 14 you can see why I just set the thought aside thinking I had 7 years to figure it out, well eventually I grew up (sort of, again--it's a work and progress) but at 18 I still thought the same thing, It's 3 years from now, I'll figure it out then. Although I still had no desire at all to serve one I figured, well perhaps 3 years from now I'll feel differently. 

Well In my first semester of college, In October 2012 General Conference, the prophet, Thomas S. Monson (learn/read about him here or if you're into movies learn/watch about him here do it. He's great), made this incredible announcement for our church (read about it here)! The missionary age was lowered for both men and women. Worthy young men could now serve at the age of 18, instead of 19, worthy young women could now serve at the age of 19, instead of 21. Everyone's jaw dropped hearing this, because seriously, it's huge news for us, and it's incredible.  But for me, it just meant this mission I knew I would probably end up going on, was available to me in just 7 months. I kind of had a panic attack sitting there after the announcement. It just finally became real to me, that this was a decision that could now affect me very soon, it wasn't something I could set aside for a couple years and worry about later. 

So I thought about it more and more and prayed to see if it was something I wanted, or rather, needed to do. But I still didn't want to at all. I continued praying, but I felt as though my prayers weren't getting answered. I wanted to know if this was something Heavenly Father wanted for me, if a mission was in store for me. I became frustrated and confused on why I was getting my answer. How was I suppose to make this huge decision if I wasn't getting any revelation on the matter? Was I not praying enough? Was I praying wrong? After having probably one of the most important discussions I have ever had with my (amazing) Bishop I learned that my personal revelation doesn't come as evident as some. It simply was a "this feels good/right"feeling or just the opposite. I wasn't one that could pray on a matter and find an answer in the next chapter of my daily scripture reading. Because I'm unique and Heavenly Father knows me personally, I receive revelation differently than anybody else. It was an important lesson learned and interpreting revelation is something that takes a lot of practice still.

So I didn't finally realize this calling for me just because of that discussion. I simply felt as though I needed change. I didn't know what I was looking for, I didn't know how to find it, I just knew something needed to change. I didn't know if I wanted to transfer to a college with more LDS members nearby or if a mission was what I was looking for. I knew I did not want to serve a mission if I wasn't 100% in love with the idea, and everyone knew I wasn't at all in love with the idea. So I began researching all the colleges with top speech pathology programs and had a larger population of LDS members within the location. I prayed about the colleges and the possibility of transferring, but came to the conclusion it wasn't what I was looking for. So once again I came back to the mission idea. 

At this time my Sierra, my oldest sister, was preparing for her own mission. She was studying a lot for it and was watching videos of missionaries opening their calls and such getting more and more excited for it. I became kind of jealous and finally had a slight desire to go on one just because she was as well (horrible reason, I know). One night Sierra and I were discussing the topic and how difficult the decision was for both of us. I made the comment, "It would be so much easier if we were just expected to go on a mission like the boys, so it doesn't come as such a difficult decision when we get to this age" (or something along that line). Almost as soon as I said it though, I pictured my Patriarchal Blessing and the exact spot, where it mentions my mission, the sentence is phrased "Many great things shall be expected of you--that of going on a mission..."It hit me like never before. This sentence I read so many times, and never once realized what I did at that moment. All those years I tossed it aside, thinking I'll figure it out it years from now, when really I should've been preparing for it all along. 

That was the moment I really knew I needed to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Unfortunately I still didn't have a desire to. But the more and more Sierra prepared for her mission the more accepting I became of the idea of serving one as well. Then Seth returned from his own mission in Argentina. As we all learn sooner or later Heavenly Father's plan isn't always what we expected and Sierra's plans were altered and she was soon called to be a wife (as you can read or re-read here!) and continue to uplift and inspire those around here. We don't always know Heavenly Father's reasoning behind what He does.

"Although you are worthy to serve in this position," He may say, "this is not my calling for you. It is my desire that you lift where you stand." God knows what is best for us. (Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk Lift Where You Stand)

Luckily, Heavenly Father is aware of my relationship with Sierra and knows how big of an influence she plays in my life. I have a strong belief that He had Sierra prepare for a mission to help prepare her for marriage but also because He knows that She is one of the only people that could've influenced me and changed my outlook on a mission. Because of her efforts and her preparation I finally had the spark of desire to serve one as well. Although I still didn't want to unless I did it whole-heartedly. So i prayed for the desire to serve. It took a lot of time and effort reading my scriptures and spending the time talking to my Heavenly Father, but soon the desire to serve came, and I was looking forward to nothing else.

So I finally decided it was something I wanted to do. I just didn't know when I wanted to go. I had just turned 19 and the fall semester would be starting in 3 months. I now had a new subtopic to pray about. I prayed about leaving right away, but didn't feel comfortable with it. I prayed about leaving at the start of the fall semester or even within this semester, but didn't feel comfortable with it. I was unsure of why I wasn't comfortable with leaving in the near future. Well the answer became clear when Seth and Sierra did become engaged and chose the date for their wedding. Heavenly Father knew I would much rather attend my sister's wedding then leave a couple months earlier. So I finally decided to leave at the start of the spring semester.

I started my paperwork and all the joys that come along with that, some that will not be named and others such as getting my wisdom teeth out, which wasn't pleasant. I can honestly say I have grown more within the last 3-4 months than I ever have in my entire life. I've experienced more of Heavenly Father and my Savior's love for me than I can even comprehend. I've learned and utilized The Atonement more so than ever and am so grateful for all that I am able to become because of Jesus Christ's sacrifice for me (and you!). I've had the most spiritual experiences of my life, some that are too personal to share, that have transformed me. I'm so grateful for these last couple of months and they have been pivotal chapters of my life thus far. 

My papers were finally submitted and I impatiently waited for my call (which entails when and where you will be sent). In that time I was able to listen to General Conference and heard some of the greatest talks! The day my call was assigned I was ecstatic and the following week I expected my mission call each day. Each day I was disappointed. Heavenly Father really wanted to teach my patience, day after day I waited by the mailbox, stalking the mailman, even chasing him down one time, and returning to bed disappointed. What an amazing tender mercy it was to be reading the account of the great missionary Ammon and his encounter with King Lamoni one day while waiting for the mail. I prayed often and was humbled learning His timing is not always what is most convenient for us. After a week and half after my call had been assigned and still not receiving it, Bishop called church headquarters only to hear that they had sent it and it should've gotten there by now, but they would send another. So I accepted the fact that my first letter was lost and another one would reach me within the next week. I had a stressful week and a lot of exams, papers, and homework and didn't bother checking the mail. Then Friday night Sierra wanted to hang out while I was on campus doing homework. When I got to her house to pick her up she had told me to come inside. When I got inside she told me she would be awhile longer so sit down. She wasn't acting odd, as of five minutes ago she was calling questioning what was taking me so longer, and now she wanted me to hang out in her living room and make myself at home (which I always do so it was odd that she told me to). I sat on a blanket that was on the couch, she told me not to be a slob and to move her stuff and not just sit on it. I moved it and my "lost" call had just arrived! As stupid as it sounds I was emotional finally having it. It came exactly 3 weeks since my papers were submitted and exactly 2 since it was assigned (the 25th), also although it was frustrating and felt like forever I was fortunate to get it that soon and exaggerate how long my wait actually was. Although most get it within 2 weeks, some wait months; I'm lucky I didn't have to go through that. 

I had definitely learned to be more patient and waiting another day to go home to be with my family seemed like nothing. Some of my extended family and friends were able to be there, as well as skyping in with my grandpa and aunts out of state. 

I can't write in words the amazing experience it is to open and read a letter from the First Presidency to where you will live and serve for 18 months of your life. (There is more to the letter than this, obviously)

Dear Sister Sillivan:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Florida Orlando Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months. You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, January 1, 2014.

I know that Florida is where I have been called by the Lord to teach and serve. I know that I will love and cherish the area, friends, and memories. I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity to dedicate my life to my Heavenly Father for 18 months and completely serve him every day. I'm honored to be a representative of Christ and to share His restored Gospel to those living in Florida. I'm so excited to start this journey. I couldn't thank all of those who helped me finally get to this point in my life enough, especially my parents for raising me and teaching me about our Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ. I'm blessed that they not only taught me but show me as well by the way they live. I'm so thankful for the faithful stewards in the church that have strengthened me like never before. I'm grateful that I have the Holy Ghost as a constant companion to warn me of pitfalls along this path of life.  I know that Jesus Christ atoned for my sorrows and transgressions, and I couldn't be where I am today without His sacrifice. I love my Heavenly Father and wish I could express it enough. I hope and pray I will be of great use to Him in the mission field. I will serve to the best of my ability and pray that I can touch someone's life. 

"You will come to know that what appears to be a sacrifice, will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make." -Gordon B. Hinckley